This is a guest blog by my colleague Ali Miller who leads on our work developing supportive shared living for survivors of domestic abuse and modern slavery. It originally appeared here.
Looking ahead to the Easter bank holiday weekend might not feel like such a luxury this year. Many people in the Shared Lives community are facing additional pressures and having to rise to challenges they never expected to face. So how do we suddenly adapt and take on these new challenges?
We all know where we’re at with our weekly routines and this is the same for people accessing Shared Lives. Whether that’s attending day services, getting together with friends, hitting the gym or volunteering, having to give up the things that we love is hard. Naturally, it can be even harder for people who really depend on these routines, or who may not fully understand why they’re missing out.
It’s a big challenge for people living in Shared Lives and the Shared Lives carers who support them. For carers, trying to help meet the unmet needs of people you care about can feel relentless when life is so restricted. As much as you feel someone’s frustrations and understand their emotional struggles, even the most empathetic person can develop compassion fatigue.
Compassion fatigue happens when someone becomes so drained and exhausted by the behaviours and needs of the people they support that there are real physiological changes in the brain. This impacts people’s ability to connect and empathise with the people they support in the same way. Experiencing compassion fatigue can cause tension and guilt but it is a normal human response to supporting people in crisis and distress.
Shared Lives carers shape their lives around connecting with people and supporting them to live fulfilling lives, so feeling stuck or helpless can feel like you’re not getting it right. A common response from professionals is to bombard carers with strategies and whilst these can provide solutions when the time is right, for anyone experiencing compassion fatigue it’s unlikely that strategies will be heard or taken up.
It’s easy if you’re used to caring for others to overlook your own needs. The same traits that make people great Shared Lives carers- empathy, compassion and genuine care, can turn into compassion fatigue unless self-care is prioritised. In fact, the antidote to compassion fatigue is self-care.
There’s no doubt that self-care seems even harder to make space for when lives are being turned upside-down, but it is vital. Giving your body and mind a mini-break ultimately helps everyone; it’s not selfish or indulgent, it’s a necessity. Here are our three top tips for self-care
- Let go of perfectionism.
Remember that struggle is normal. If someone living with you is struggling, it’s not always fixable. You can be helpful, supportive and look for strategies, but you can’t always ‘make it all better’ and that’s ok. Just by being there, listening, and reminding someone that you care is helpful in itself. If you’re doing your best, you are doing great.
- Take time for yourself.
Self-care comes in many forms and it’s important to meet your needs. So, you can’t get to a yoga class or meet your friends down the pub, but how about having a bath, phoning a friend, cooking a nutritious meal or getting an early night- remind yourself that prioritising your needs helps everyone.
- Make mindful moments
We can get consumed by stressful moments, especially when our resilience is running low. If you find yourself in a tense moment, focus on something distant like the branch of a tree bobbing about outside your window, let it take you out of the moment. If you struggle with being mindful in the moment, but you’ve dealt with something stressful, take your phone to the bathroom and listen to a five-minute meditation.
Above all remember that you are important and worthy of self-care. So, this Easter weekend try to give yourself permission to check in with your own needs. If you find yourself asking for help, doing a YouTube Zumba class, or having a lie-in, congratulate yourself on meeting your needs and being kind to yourself because that is what success looks like right now.